


Agony, Such That Princes Must Weep

by youngbloodbuzz



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Crack, Gen, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-29 03:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12622276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngbloodbuzz/pseuds/youngbloodbuzz
Summary: aka the Pod Person Alex Extravaganzaaka an alien impersonates alex. it's a grand ol' time.





	Agony, Such That Princes Must Weep

**Author's Note:**

> this sat for like over a year in my docs and now i finished it out of SPITE because of some BULLIES (whom i love) surprise bitch.gif
> 
> there was absolutely no effort into making this Good, i didn't even write half the dialogue lmao thanks volando-voy and ultranos you punks
> 
> it's an absolute disaster have fun

Alex Danvers was not having a good day.

Yet again, there is parasitic alien goo in Kara’s apartment. Only this time it’s _all over Alex_ , so she can’t get any traction to untie herself. Oh, and apparently?

“It’s noise-cancelling. Like your human ear sponges.”

“Motherfucker.”

“...no.”

It had all started with a phone call to her go-to pizzeria as she entered Kara’s apartment only to find an alien going through Kara’s kitchen drawers. How did it end up like this, she has no idea.

Okay, so _maybe_ she was a little hasty on apprehending the supposed thief and had foregone calling backup. And _maybe_ she had lost the fight thanks to some well aimed goo spit, and the possibility of being distracted by how the alien looked like a disturbing cross between Maxwell Lord of all people and dirty bubblegum you’d find on the bottom of your shoe. Alex really can’t confirm.

To make it better, it steals Alex’s phone.

“I will require the password.”

“Bite me.”

“Tempting but not very filling, so no thank you.”

Surprise: Alex’s password actually is “biteme”

“Oh, you use the lock that needs those skin ripple pads.”

Unlock actually works, which … is not good, and is definitely a security weakness to bring up to J’onn. Alex also tries to maintain poker face, because if this is how this damn alien thinks humans talk then Kara will find her in like ten seconds. Tries to wriggle her hand free again. _God, what is this slime made of??_

“Mr. Lord will be very pleased about these turn of events. He has promised to pay handsomely for Supergirl’s capture,” the Alien says, seemingly not at all phased that it looks like someone made a realistic Lord sculpture out of gum.

If Alex could glare any harder, she’d burn holes into it, “I’m gonna kill him.”

“Not before I do first,” he says, having a great time looking through her calendar memos. Raises it’s eyebrows at a few things. “No one gets to hurt the daughter of the Great Alura In-Ze.”

Okay, _what?_

It shapeshifts into Alex. Human looking skin and all. Shit.

Alex is mentally cursing her luck even more, because this is just … Kara will freak out about a gum alien. Kara will not freak out about _her_ , even if there is pink alien goo on her shoes.

The alien ditches Alex inside a closet. Because closets are a metaphor. (Alex is unamused, both at the alien and at the universe’s sense of humor.)

Through the crack in the door, she spies the alien spending a creepy amount of time looking through Alex’s photo album and muttering about how much Kara looks like her mother.

Which, speaking of, where the hell _was she?_

And for once the universe answers her. She hears Kara walk through the front door, surprised but pleased to see her sister.

“Hey! Wasn’t sure if you got my text earlier. I’m having a kind of weird emergency and I promise I’ll pay for dinner if you help me?”

Immediately flustered, Alien Alex blinks rapidly at Kara who rushes on in one breath. “I just don’t know what to do? I mean, I _really_ like James, but then Lucy’s been kind of flirting with me, and she’s so so nice and smart and pretty and amazing and— “

Alien Alex blinks back to life. “Listen, girlfriend, I totally feel you! I had this problem once back in college, and man. It was tough, believe me.”

An amendment; this is without a doubt in her top ten worst days of her life. All she wanted was pizza and relax with Kara. She can practically see Kara’s brow crinkle.

_Please let me develop superpowers to laser this door open. J’ONN GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE._

 

* * *

 

_Meanwhile_

J’onn isn’t sure what is it about this day that’s making it so calm and relaxing, but with the comforting routine of paperwork and his second cup of tea for the day, he’s not about to question it.

In the middle of chewing his upteenth cookie, he pauses, squints his eyes. He wonders…

No. Not going to question it.

 

* * *

  

“But have you tried the scent test? You know, to see which one you prefer?”

_How does this fucking alien know that Kara said something dumb to me about Lucy’s perfume six months ago?_

“I did! And it didn’t help!”

Alex blocks out Kara waxing poetics about James cologne and Lucy’s shampoo, she has more important things to do. Like desperately wiggling around.

 _This fucking goo won’t even let me_ bang my head against a wall _, I am never taking a day off work again._

“Did you hear something?”

Alex’s eyes widen. She hasn’t done this much praying since her bat mitzvah in these very microseconds.

“Noooo, you were telling me about your problems. Jams and Lucy.”

“....James.”

“Him too.”

After only a short pause where Alex can _feel_ Kara’s side eye through the door, she continues to ramble at length about how this is complicated because James and Lucy broke up so that’s awkward but they both seem to like her and she really likes both of them, and she’s kinda sure she’s technically been out on at least one date with each of them in the last few weeks, but she’s not sure how to bring this up to _either_ of them?

There’s a knock on the front door, an audible sigh of relief comes from Alien Alex and a noise of anticipation bubbles up Real Alex’s throat. And...no, it’s not J’onn as she had hoped.

Real Alex glares at Fake Alex as Kara answers the door and pays the pizza delivery boy as promised. If this wasn’t _even happening_ she’d at least _try_ to help Kara instead of grinning blankly like some kind of pod person.

Finally, Kara and Alien Alex sit together in full view of Real Alex with the pizza. Kara continues to ramble as she audibly inhales half a pizza as Alien Alex finally cracks and grimaces. “Gross.”

“What? It’s not like you haven’t seen me inhale pizza before. Here have a slice,” Kara mumbles between her chewing and relationship rambling.

Kara holds out the box to Alien Alex, and it leans so far back from the offered food it’s almost creepy.

“Really? No pizza? You said you were craving earlier.”

“There’s...no anchovies. Or chilis.”

Kara side eyes Alien Alex so hard, J’onn would be proud. It also turns out to be Kara’s last straw. She puts down her pizza and stares, “Are you okay? You hate anchovies.”

Alien Alex blinks once and then sighs as if bearing a heavy burden. “Alas, the gig is up.”

“Wha- ”

It spits it’s gross pink slime on Kara, sticking her against the couch. Real Alex sighs heavily at Kara’s exclamations of disgust.

_Welcome to the club._

 

* * *

 

Alien Alex slowly paces in front of Kara (grimacing and wiggling and covered in an unfortunate amount of slime), choosing to take this time for it’s own relationship story time.

_J’onn, if you’re listening, I promise to stop scaring the interns out of the labs. Please…_

Alien Alex sighs wistfully, “For one month on my ambassador visit, I knew her . We had the most wonderful times together.”

Similar looks of disgust cross Real Alex and Kara’s face, “....What.”

“We sat by the Dark Ocean and talked about the unnecessary need for trial by jury for hours. She held my hand. Those were the best hours of my life.”

“Oh Rao, kill me,” Kara mutters flatly.

“And the _ridiculousness_ of due process! Oh, if only I can go back.”

_J’onn, I promise to keep your cookie stash stocked for the rest of the year._

“But alas, earwax. You’re here now. The daughter of the Great Alura herself. We can work together to get rid of Mr. Lord once and for all for wanting to hurt you, and live out the rest our lives together!”

Real Alex really wishes these words strung into those sentences weren’t coming out of her fake mouth right now. She wonders if J’onn be would up for mind wiping her.

“Oh! Here, I brought you something!”

Alien Alex disappears from view to the kitchen. Kara takes the opportunity to increase her wiggling efforts, the sound of ripping making Real Alex grin. Atta girl.

Alien Alex then returns with….god, she doesn’t even know. It looks like a cross between styrofoam and ice cream.

“Uhh..”

“It’s our famous snack, I have brought it all the way from my planet - “

Alex really wishes she could translate whatever word that came out of Pod Person Alex’s mouth, but it seems to have flickered a light on in Kara’s eyes.

“Oh...I remember that planet. My mother and aunt wanted to implement an alliance with your people.”

“Yes! See, my dear. We are meant to be!”

_God, Kill me._

As Real Alex feels bile rise up her throat, a familiar look appears on Kara’s face. “After all this time?”

Super creepy Alura-ex smiles, “Always.”

A smile crosses Kara’s face, one that Alex knows is anything but sweet and kind. And then, with a loud snap, Kara breaks free of her restraints and promptly punches Alien Alex across the room and into the closet door. It collides hard enough that it breaks the door hinges, revealing Real Alex in all her slimy glory as Alien Alex lies unconscious next to her.

“There you are!”

All Alex can do is glare.

 

* * *

 

“You should consider letting your human law enforcers capture me.”

Finally free of slime (most of it at least, she’s sure she still has some in her hair despite her quick hot shower), Alex glares at the alien now in it’s original form, looking like over chewed gum with humanoid facial features.

Once discovered, the pair had promptly taken the alien straight to the DEO where the three of them all now look at the alien, now named Chester, as he makes gently taps it’s fingers on the glass of his cell.

J’onn folds his arms, “And why should I do that?”

“Because Kara Zor-El’s sister would appreciate it. While I had access to her phone there were a number of appointments scheduled near a “National City Police Department.”

Kara, cleaned and in her supersuit, raises an eyebrow at Alex, “Oh really?”

Alex crosses her arms and glares at them all.

J’onn doesn’t give anything away, but Alex swears she see’s him smirk slightly. “Huh. Yeah, no, you’re staying in a cell right here. Agent Danvers is capable of _meeting NCPD consultants_ on her own time.”

She can feel Kara vibrate with excitement next to her as she swoops in like a circling vulture.

Before she can say a word, Alex holds up a hand. “Don’t you dare. I’m still mad at you for believing I would _ever_ say something as ridiculous and stupid as, “‘ _Listen girlfriend_ ,’ Kara.”

J’onn lets out a sigh as the girls argue and Chester just grins, his good mood not necessarily ruined, but...different good. “Crazy aliens with issues with Kara’s mom. Must be Tuesday.”


End file.
